old feelings do not go away!

Well I guess my worst fears showed its head! I came home to a trashed living room. I was having james robby clean up. The robby did his usual I can't do this! Btw just for the record it was about 2 cups of cheerio's thrown all over the floor. The vacum cleaner wasn't doing it so I told him to use a broom...so he just using it gently to just allow it to sckim over the top of them while watching finius and ferb.. I yelled at him and in usual fashion he yelled back saying he can't. Then I told him to pick them up by hand! While he whined about the I grabbed the broom and sweptup 90% of them! I walk outside to have a smoke and try to mellow out and I poke my head in and he's back just skimming the top of them again and watching tv. I yell again. Then this is where things get blurry for me.... I asked robby a question... I forgot what and then he proceeeds not to give me a answer and when he finally does it blames jim for something. So ipicked him up eventally he had a dust pan full for ceral and put him on the couch and making him drop the ceral. He is crying that I made him drop what he was doing to y'all at him for not giving a answer to my question...and still not giving me a answer he is still crying about the ceral. So I drop on my knees to start to clean up the mess I slide the dust pan away from me in anger and I hit robby in the foot with it. Now he's crying about that so I stop and look at his leg thered is 2 small spots where it seems like I took off a lillte skin, I very upset now whith myself tell him I'm sorry. And he james said, but you still did it! And he was right! I did.and it reminds me of my anger, my failure to hold my anger, my abuse from my mother which I try to hold in and my worthlessness! So now I am hiding from the house, but not before stateing that I am a failure and I am gonna mlve out cos I shouldn't be around kids. And now almost 2 hourslater I am still hiding.... I hate myself! Now I am not gonna kill myself but I am still considering moving away from robby, james andeveryone and live in a small apt with a cat. Away from everyone else so I don't hurt anyone!