Man, I really need to find a hobby!

I need to get out of the house more often! Well I guess money would help that also hua? I can't wait to see if my disability is accepted, cos I really need the money! I also need to called legal aid to help divorce Erin, then and only then I can truly move on with my life! After rereading the last e-mail she sent me is that is learning what life is about, and one action can affect more than just the moment! I guess I am still torn inside about her... I miss her, but yet I am upset on what she did. But while I was writing this I drifted off in my mind and I saw us getting along and together, she was working and I was trying to get a job. I don't know how much of that could actually take place, but I doubt it. I need to get over this and move the f*&k on!(I hate that I can't swear on these computers!) Ok NEXT!

Wow I can't think of anything else! I life is boring... But I don't wanna go home because my mother is gonna be there, and get on my ass about something. She is the reason I need to leave! I try to be nice about she always has a way of making sure that I don't feel good about myself. Then yells at me for having low self-esteem! I can't win. I just need to get my ass going and get the hell out of there!

Oh well... Lates!

Well Another post!

I just got done writing an e-mail to the Ex! I played nice! I just basically want my shit! So I wrote her a nice letter to see how's she is doing, and to tell her shit about me. I still haven't told her that I have been diagnosed as Bi-polar, I won't until out divorce is done! By the way I need start that! So she can't .... Around with me cos I know for a fact she has memorized my social Security number! So she can .... Me hard! That's why I am being nice!

Well now that I am feeling better, I need to start working on my mind in the way so I can get out and do shit, like work on my own, get out in the world, find a victim (Girl-friend), and other shit!
Hey if there is anyone out there want wants to chat drop me a line @ xhero at Hotmail.com.
I will be posting a pic of myself soon!

Well I need to get back home and do some work.

Lates!

Damn I missed a day!

Oh well, at least I am doing one now!
I don't know why I am cos I have nothing to say, but I am typing anyway.

Ok,Well Now that I am somewhat feeling better, I can working one other things. Dealing with me being bi-polar, with possible ADD. But she will not even look at ADD until my bi-polar is under control. Well, that's what I am gonna tell my Dr. Next time I see her!

I was watching I think it was THIS WEEK, on NBC, and they were talking about the people that died this week, and they were talking about the soldiers that dies in Iraq this week, and I was looking at the ages of them I only saw 2 of the 50 and that was over 30! It is a shame that these young kids met their death in a unorginized battle, in a country that didn't needed to be taken over right now! We needed to keep our focus in Ben laden! Not Iraq. Nothing I can do He may of not been elected the first time, but the second time he was. So were stuck with GW Dumbass!
Let me get off my soap box.

Well I have nothing else to say!

Lates!

I HATE COLD WEATHER!

I know I am whining now, and it's gonna get colder very soon and I still don't have a heavy jacket yet! I am gonna need one soon! Right now I am just using my green sweatshirt, which I saw on ER last week worn by a skater that broke his leg. It is a mountain Dew Sweatshirt with the numbers 639 on it.

Well there is nothing really going on with my life at this point, but I am starting to feel better about me and my life. I have accepted that I have actual mental problems, and I am willing to work on them. Now the next thing to make my life better is to get a job and work so I can get the fuck out of my mothers house! Because she is not good for my mental health. So all I can do now is just work on myself, make sure that I take my meds when I need to, and try to be the best joey I can be.

Well that's all I can think of that this moment. Check this out.. I am back updating it everyday again!

Lates!

Well the yesterday sucked

I hate trying to deal with my mother!

I had a big jacket on and then she told me that I look like I weigh 300 lbs! For a normal person wouldn't of taken it so hard. But My mother use to say I had a fat ass when I was 16-18 and I weighted 133 and I was 5'7". I had little to no ass! So I am still mentally toutured by that and then she does what she did! I need to find a way out of this house. I will not be able to get well as long as I am near her!

Well next topic!

I saw my therapist today, she saw some of my new writings I did about my mom last night, she is really concerned about me trying to deal with her. It is not healthy! What's really fucked up is that she doesn't do this shit to my brother at all, and just a little bit to my little sister! I am the black sheep of this family! This not an excuse but I just found out recently that grandpa abused her when she was growing up! So that could be a reason why, but as I said there is no excuse! I am sure glad that I am not violent if I was I would be just like her! If I start turning out like her I would like someone to shot me dead!

Well what else... Oh I am helping my best friend moderate him BBs. The site is: http://www.cloud10computers.dynu.com/ It's a BBs that everyone can use to tech help! Come'on in and ask your questions!

Well gotta go lates!

Hey on a roll again!

Well lets see... I am once again at the New Haven Library, away from my mother, she is home because she had a tooth pulled and she does not feel like working. I got bitched at for coming here yesterday "Because I had work to do." Well I still finished it... I HATE THIS COLD!!! But I need to get use to it.. Because it's gonna get colder!

An myEmatch.com update: She name is Inna, and she is damn cute, and has GREEN EYES! It's really funny how Russian girls e-mail me, but I can't ever get my friend to email me back! What does my computer smell? No one wants to message it? This gives a new meaning to Smell-a-vision. Yea, they are still trying to get smell out of a computer. (except one of burnt circuitry!)

Just to remind everyone here I also have my poems here on blogger also the Click me the go there. Let me know what you think!

Also people, plz sign my guestbook... You can leave a fake address if you want.. I just would like to see that other actually look at this.

Well that's all I can think of today!

Bye, Shalom, Later, Adios. This demon is gone!



poof

Hey I did it! Two days in a row! :)

Well , well, well What am I gonna talk about?

I am at the library again... I think I am gonna use their computer more and more, their fast and fast access! It's better than AOL dial-up and home. I am also here cos I am advoiding home because my mom wants me to rake up the leaves and it's ....Damn cold out. Dad said that we were gonna do it, but no mom wants me to do it... Whatever.... So that's why I am here...

On the bus coming back from the clinic I was thinking what I really want/need right now is just a hug! (from a female(and not my mom!)) That's all just a decent hug! I was thinking about asking Nicolena, my t-doc, but I don't that she would do it because it probally not be professional... The next choice is Morgana, but I don't know... I don't know if I want to show that much emotions in front of her.. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. Aside from those females I don't know any that I can ask. Man I really need to met others. If there is a female that is reading this and they live in CT, please let me know... PLEASE! :)

I am also kinda happy that I am finally coming to terms with my failed marriage with Erin. (Notice that I am not calling psychoslut!) I am starting to realize, and also come to terms that I was not perfect in the marriage. I know I wasn't but I also had a wholly than thou attitude about it, because I did ALL the cleaning, all the working (when I did), all the cooking, and basically everything else. Towards the end yes, I didn't want to go out. Because I was really depressed, and why did I get depressed, cos of the heroin, and the coke, that Erin brought in to the house, and then both of us got addicted! That's another thing that I held against her for years. I still do I guess. I think that is what ultimately killed our marriage. Because right before it our lives were getting better. We were selling a lot of Avon, I was not biting my nails, I was keeping better care of myself, and we were happy.... Or at least I thought we were.... Man, I really wish that Erin listened to me... I miss her! I miss her smell, her smile, her laugh, and her hugs!... Now I'm depressed! Next topic!

Well... What else.. Oh I got a msg from a person on myEmatch.com. So I wrote back.. I hope she aint from Russia... I have gotten about 5-8 messages from women in the USSR. I really hope she in the the USA, better yet Connecticut!

Oh yea, I almost from got! My optomistrst app yesterday. I have a new lazy eye, it came out of nowhere about a year and a half ago. Well at about 5 feet my dbl vision is about 2 feet away from each other. He said a word that scared me... Operation! Eek an operation on my eye! I don't want to accidentally be blinded in one eye! That would totally suck!, but someone told me that they knew this old person that had it don't and it went fine. But I am still scared!

Oh well.. I think it's time to finish this off and get my ass home I am getting hungry!

Lates!

Finally another post!

Well I know it's been awhile but I am finally doing it! I really don't know why I haven't been updating this I think I need to. I am also doing is at the New Haven Library's computers.. Man I miss broad band!

Well I have been changing lately, I think I am finally getting over erne! I have had a few minor revelation lately and the outcome has been me feeling batter about myself and our failed relationship. Part of it is not totally blaming her for killing it... It has been dying for a bit, and she just finished it off. Either way it does not give her the right to fuck mark but I was wanting to leave anyway... She just made sure I did it.... Now that I think about it I wonder if she know I wanted out, and did she want out.... She had to of known what would happen if I found out that she was cheating.. She knew my stance! Whatever... Next topic!

I don't remember if I already talked about this, but I want to start doing standup comedy, I have about 7+ minutes of material, I just need to pratice it, and then find a place to do it at.... I hope that doing this would help me mentally get out of my funk...

Since I brought it up.. I have found myself recently (the last few days) not as depressed! FUCK I NEED TO UPDATE MY MOOD CHART! Sorry I just thought about it.... As you can see I started a mood chart... So I can bring it to Nicolina and show her, and the Dr. Laura, my P-Doc. In a nutshell I have been felling better all-a-round... I would say I am happy... But I found myself laughing last night at part of Adult Swim. And I just borrowed A Fish Called Wanda. I have only seen parts of it.. The reason why I got that one is because my dad and I were talking about it the other day. So I hope I enjoy it.. I have seen a small part of it.

Well I need go and run to an Dr. Appt. I will try to update this more often again!

Lates!