old feelings do not go away!

Well I guess my worst fears showed its head! I came home to a trashed living room. I was having james robby clean up. The robby did his usual I can't do this! Btw just for the record it was about 2 cups of cheerio's thrown all over the floor. The vacum cleaner wasn't doing it so I told him to use a broom...so he just using it gently to just allow it to sckim over the top of them while watching finius and ferb.. I yelled at him and in usual fashion he yelled back saying he can't. Then I told him to pick them up by hand! While he whined about the I grabbed the broom and sweptup 90% of them! I walk outside to have a smoke and try to mellow out and I poke my head in and he's back just skimming the top of them again and watching tv. I yell again. Then this is where things get blurry for me.... I asked robby a question... I forgot what and then he proceeeds not to give me a answer and when he finally does it blames jim for something. So ipicked him up eventally he had a dust pan full for ceral and put him on the couch and making him drop the ceral. He is crying that I made him drop what he was doing to y'all at him for not giving a answer to my question...and still not giving me a answer he is still crying about the ceral. So I drop on my knees to start to clean up the mess I slide the dust pan away from me in anger and I hit robby in the foot with it. Now he's crying about that so I stop and look at his leg thered is 2 small spots where it seems like I took off a lillte skin, I very upset now whith myself tell him I'm sorry. And he james said, but you still did it! And he was right! I did.and it reminds me of my anger, my failure to hold my anger, my abuse from my mother which I try to hold in and my worthlessness! So now I am hiding from the house, but not before stateing that I am a failure and I am gonna mlve out cos I shouldn't be around kids. And now almost 2 hourslater I am still hiding.... I hate myself! Now I am not gonna kill myself but I am still considering moving away from robby, james andeveryone and live in a small apt with a cat. Away from everyone else so I don't hurt anyone!

Well, Well, Well.....

Well as you can see this is my first blog post in almost a year!

A lot has happened!

I now reside in Las Vegas. I have won my bout with depression. I am away from my mother, even though they are gonna be here for the weekend! I now work as a computer tech at Data Doctors (http://www.datadoctors.com) and all in all life is good!

Now for more exact info...

I move in with this girl and her girlfriend whom I have known since we were infants! The kicker... We shared our first kiss together, but now she is gay.. Hey I didn't have anything to do with it! I would say her ex-husband had more to do with it than I did! :) Well its a 3bedroom house in a nice neighborhood, all is good!

Work: Well I get to do what I do best fix and build computers. Now all I need to do is get A+ certified and then I'll be an "official" tech for them.. MORE MONEY! YEA!

Well my life in general.....

Well I am still single, I am looking for someone, but I decided to really stop activity looking, if the person that is right for me shows up I'll be ready. But there is girl that I have been talking with, she's cool. but she is on a road trip with her good friend.. but when she gets back we are supposed to met up. I can't wait!

Well... that's it for now I will try to keep posting shit as I remember to do so...

lates,

joe

Life get more intersting day by day!

Well, I still plan on moving to Vegas... but now its gonna be interesting. I gonna visit first from the April 19-26th. I was gonna stay at this girl i known since we were kids her name is Sharlene, and I was gonna stay with her and her wife... But that fell through cos her dog has now started to bite people... so she is scared that I am gonna get bit.! Now I will be staying with some good friends whom I know when I lived with erin in Redondo beach, Jon and Laurel! I am very thankful! So I will be there!
Oh also Kim, Sharlene's older sister (who is 1 month and 10 days older than me), has set me up with this girl names Loke. We were talking a lot! I mean a lot! I really like her. I can see myself fall I'm love with her! Actually I asked her out! I really like her! And dare I say I love her.. yes I do. I cant wait until i get there so I can hang out with her! So finally my life is turning up! I am not alone have someone who likes me! it feels weird. I just hope things don't turn out bad with her also! I know I didn't fucking erin and I relationship by myself, she helped also! I hope I don't fuck this up! That's all I ask!

well back to my life.

I am starting to feel pretty good now-a-days except for my fuck ups.. and I have been freaking out on things lately. When I do I just take a half a trazadone, and 15 minutes I am mellow but not drugged up feeling!I love those trazadone! I also use them for sleep at times.

Oh well I need to sleep!

Lates!

Well the next idea to move...

As I Stated earlier I have a few people that I know in Las Vegas.... I have been courted to out there more than once... So I have succumbed. The other day Kim told me that her gay sister, Sharlene offered her place to me to stay with her and her "wife". In a side story, Sharelne was the first girl I ever kissed.... So, I have applied to a few jobs out there. I have been offered to go have an interview today, but since I in East Haven, Ct, and the interview is today I was unable to attend. So once I find a job I am the fuck out of here! I want to visit there first though... So since I am gonna go to LA so I can get my shit I think I will go from Here, the Las Vegas, then to LA, and then go home from LA. I t will cost me an arm and a leg... Who knows how I will do it. but I want to go to Vegas....

Well beside that everything is fine. I am listening to Jewel - Pieces of You, a GREAT CD!

Well that's all I can think of at this time!

Lates!

Well so much for texas :(

Well it is now dead!

So much for getting out of here, or at least for now!

It made me depressed for a bit, but I am OK now. However, I am now thinking of going to Los Vegas. I have a few friends there, and now I need to find a job.. If I do.. I am sooo gone!

I hate this weather! It just started snowing, windy also!

Another thing that got me depressed....

I saw a Red Cross sign on a church down the street doing a blood drive. So I haven’t donated blood in a long time since I was using heroin. Well while going through the interview process, I told them about that use heroin. Well Not only was I not able to donate blood yesterday, I can NEVER DONATE AGAIN! I was pissed. When really angers me, that I have been tested for everything at least 4 times since I quit using! So I am clean, and now on one can use my TYPE O- blood there is needed! I am soooo depressed about it. :(

But I am ok.....

I guess....

Well that's it for today!

Lates!

Well texas seems more likely

I had a nice chat with the owner of the company... she likes me.... The only thing that scares me is they are really in to god.... At this time in my life I am not. It’s just something that I will have to deal with. On the other hand, this whole thing, job, moving god, everything is what my life needs. Who knows!

The rest of my life is going ok. I am not depressed, and in a good mood for most of the time, except in my dealings with my mother!

When I went to see my therapist on Fri, we basically did a review of what has happened in the last 8 months or so there. As she laid everything out one by one. I realized how much I have improved my life. I was actually impressed. However if you ask my mother I haven't done any improvements! FUCK HER! Oh I also told her about Texas, she thinks it’s a great idea! I just hope this actually happens! I will be so disappointed if it falls through! I so need this change!

But I am a little upset with my NA sponsor, I call him and I rarely get a call back. He says that he is working a lot, that’s fine, just call me sometime! Whatever... I think I need a new sponsor.

Since 1986 I needed a fake name that I could do stuff anonymously, so I used the name Jeff Flynn, it came from the movie Tron, the hackers name.... I saw the movie and I loved it.... But about 5 years ago I saw it again it again, and I was wrong! The name was Kevin Flynn, which is my brother’s first name. However, I still use Jeff. Now for the reason for this story..... My Father works for Lego, and he got some Bionicls from an old display my mother wanted dad to sell them, but my dad said that he would get fired if caught. So I chimed it and said I could do it under jeff flynn, and she yelled at me and said grow the fuck up I don't give a shit about jeff flynn! FUCK HER!

So is a hindrance to my recovery, drugs, and mentally. A few months ago I was thinking about my recovery, and I came to the conclusion that she is the main reason that I started smoking pot when i was 13! I can not blame her totally, but she did not help!

Well that's all from me for right now!

Lates!

I maybe moving to texas!

An old friend of the family's oldest daughter, Kim is moving to Texas to work for a graphic design company. Yesterday I was joking with Kim, and I asked if they need a computer geek. Well Long story short, I was asked by the president to send my resume. I did, and she likes it. She wants to know more about me! Yea! A possible chance to start my new life and get the fuck out of my parent’s house!

Bonus: Kim and I have known each other since we were infants! And our parents have been trying to get us together for a few years now.

So n a nutshell...

1. I will have a computer tech job, and kick start my computer tech career again!
2. I will be the fuck out of this goddamn house!
3. Start a new, sober life.

So it's all good....

Sooo this day has been ok.

With that news it made it great.... I really hope this goes through! I have had things like this fall through on me more than once!

I got my fingers crossed!

Lates!

Wow Guess what!??!?!

I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY!!!!!

I think I finally came out of my depression, I have been smiling, and NOT DEPRESSED! It's a weird feeling. I have been depressed for at least 3-4 years!

So I am not going to this place called the Fellowshipplace, Its like a community center, for those with mental issues. They have a computer department, I help them with tech issues, and repair.
I really enjoy going there. I also talk with others, which is an another issue of my I have a tendency of isolating myself.. Which is bad!) So I am socializing and I think going there helped me get of of my depression!

Oh I just came back from LA. I went to watch my baby sister get married. It was a great wedding! It was soo nice I got depressed, 'cos I realized that I fucked up my doing the Vegas thing! What really sucked I was hoping for some sun and defrost my ass from being in CT! But NO it had to rain every fucking day! Oh well it was still warmer there then here!

So in a nut shell life is getting better...

Oh well I cant think of anything else to write.. So this is it!

Lates!

I am finally getting out of the house!

I am not going to this place here in New Haven, Ct called The Fellowship Place (http://www.fellowshipplace.org). It is like a community center that caters to those with mental and phyical Issues. They have meetings, get togathers, classes, and a decent computer center. Which I am not the unofficial computer tech for... That's good 'cos it will get my brain working... It's a good thing... They have an issue that I need to figure out.. In windows XP they use roaming profiles, and when someone logs in it takes up to 10 minutes to complete the login! They are using Windows Server 2003. If anyone has a clue just type something to this blog! Thanx!

But besides that.... On Feb 16 I am goin back to LA to attend my sisters Wedding(take 2). And guess who is gonna pick me up at the air port? Your right My Ex! I am having her do that so I can get some of my shit out of there, and the rest I am either have her give to the goodwill or have her ship it to me here. So we have been talking lately, and her life is shit! I am soooo happy... I know it is not good for karma, but she did it t her self, and she is also using more then normal. So I plan on being a good boy and not do anything!

Oh well I need to go...

Lates!

I hope everyone had a good and safe xmas!

Mine was ok...We went to my oldest best friend, whom she's knowen since HS. She lived in Deer hills, NY. It was butt-cold.. And it still is out here! I enjoyed myself, I actually had 2 run & cokes, and I enjoyed both of them very much. (I usually don't drink anymore). There was the girl there, I forgot her name, but she was a large gal and she dressed like Erin! I I was almost staring at her most of the night, and Dede(our hostess) sat me next to her. Even before then I have been missing Erin. I am almost tempted to call her and see if she will answer, I don't know why all of sudden I am really missing her, but I am. I called her grandma xmas eve, and I talked to Nana, Josh (Erin's cousin who is in the navy, we got along well), Lehera(Erin's other cousin in which holds a hold grudge against her), and Erin's mom. I got to wish then a merry xmas and I told them that I messed being there on xmas eve, which I did!

Next topic!

I personally have been doing ok, barely I have been dipping in to daily depressions like 2-4 times a week. I guess I have a lot of unresovled things that I need to deal with.Oh also I need to get my divorce from Erin and finally make it final.

I am gonna go cos I slipped down the stairs, and fucked up my elbow, and it's starting to really hurt!

Lates!

Man, it's been a bit since I've been here

....And I was doing so good.

Well I was out of my depression but then I finally got off my ass and started writing my letter to my congresswoman to get my discharge upgraded from other then honorable. I was writing about what happened with me before I did what I did. (long story) So writing the story got me really depressed, and then the days after that. During that time, and still now, I feel alone. No one to talk to, no one that I can care for, no one to hold. So now I almost wish I could forgive my cheating wife. But our life was shit, she was driving me crazy, and she could not stop using drugs! However, I still miss her!

Well, I am at the point were I can not hope of assistance from the government... As per then I am not mentally Ill enough! I am gonna reply, I just need to make it look like I am not well. Id anyone her experience in trying to get disability please let me know. I have questions!

Oh well I am gone go

Be safe!

me

Man, I really need to find a hobby!

I need to get out of the house more often! Well I guess money would help that also hua? I can't wait to see if my disability is accepted, cos I really need the money! I also need to called legal aid to help divorce Erin, then and only then I can truly move on with my life! After rereading the last e-mail she sent me is that is learning what life is about, and one action can affect more than just the moment! I guess I am still torn inside about her... I miss her, but yet I am upset on what she did. But while I was writing this I drifted off in my mind and I saw us getting along and together, she was working and I was trying to get a job. I don't know how much of that could actually take place, but I doubt it. I need to get over this and move the f*&k on!(I hate that I can't swear on these computers!) Ok NEXT!

Wow I can't think of anything else! I life is boring... But I don't wanna go home because my mother is gonna be there, and get on my ass about something. She is the reason I need to leave! I try to be nice about she always has a way of making sure that I don't feel good about myself. Then yells at me for having low self-esteem! I can't win. I just need to get my ass going and get the hell out of there!

Oh well... Lates!

Well Another post!

I just got done writing an e-mail to the Ex! I played nice! I just basically want my shit! So I wrote her a nice letter to see how's she is doing, and to tell her shit about me. I still haven't told her that I have been diagnosed as Bi-polar, I won't until out divorce is done! By the way I need start that! So she can't .... Around with me cos I know for a fact she has memorized my social Security number! So she can .... Me hard! That's why I am being nice!

Well now that I am feeling better, I need to start working on my mind in the way so I can get out and do shit, like work on my own, get out in the world, find a victim (Girl-friend), and other shit!
Hey if there is anyone out there want wants to chat drop me a line @ xhero at Hotmail.com.
I will be posting a pic of myself soon!

Well I need to get back home and do some work.

Lates!

Damn I missed a day!

Oh well, at least I am doing one now!
I don't know why I am cos I have nothing to say, but I am typing anyway.

Ok,Well Now that I am somewhat feeling better, I can working one other things. Dealing with me being bi-polar, with possible ADD. But she will not even look at ADD until my bi-polar is under control. Well, that's what I am gonna tell my Dr. Next time I see her!

I was watching I think it was THIS WEEK, on NBC, and they were talking about the people that died this week, and they were talking about the soldiers that dies in Iraq this week, and I was looking at the ages of them I only saw 2 of the 50 and that was over 30! It is a shame that these young kids met their death in a unorginized battle, in a country that didn't needed to be taken over right now! We needed to keep our focus in Ben laden! Not Iraq. Nothing I can do He may of not been elected the first time, but the second time he was. So were stuck with GW Dumbass!
Let me get off my soap box.

Well I have nothing else to say!

Lates!